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R  O  U  M  A  N  I  A 

THE  BOEDER  LAND  OP  THE  CHRISTIAN  AND  THE  TURK, 

Comprising  Adventures  of  Travel  In 
EASTERN  EUROPE  AND  WESTERN  ASIA. 

Ey  JAMES  O.   NOYES,  M.D.; 

(SURGEON  IN  THE  OTTOMAN  ARMY.) 
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A  long    continued  residence  in  AUSTRIA.    HUNGARY,    SERVIA 

THE  DANUBIAN  PRINCIPALITIES  AND  TURKEY,  and  a  fami 

liarity  with  several  European  languages,  have  enabled  the  author  of  this 
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WHICH  HAS 


"NOTHING  TO  Do"  with  "NOTHING  TO  WEAR." 


BY 

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"My  verdict  for  the  white  rose  side." 

1  HENKY  VII.  ii.  4 


NEW  YORK: 
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NOTHING  TO  SAY. 


I,    Q.    K.    P.    DOESTICKS,    of   No    Hall, 

Nowhere ; 
No    Castle,    no    Villa,    no    Place,    Court, 

or   Terrace ; 

Who  didn't  write    "  Junius,"   or     "  No 
thing   to    Wear," 

Who     never     have    visited   London    or 
Paris ; 


8  Nothing  to  Say. 

Who  am  not  a  phantom,  a  myth,  or  a 
mystery, 

But  a  "  homo,"  as  solid  as  any  of  his 
tory; 

As  real  as  Antony,  Ccesar,  or  Bru 
tus,— 

A  wide-awake  Yankee,  so  "  tarnation 
'cute  "  as 

To  always  write  Nothings,  while  No 
things  will  pay, 

Am  the  author  of  this  Nothing — No 
thing  to  Say. 


Nothing  to  Say.  9 

I     mention    this    fact    in    advance,     that 

Miss   P*** 
May   not   strive    to    embezzle    the    laurels 

from   me. 
That  her   Reverend  friend  may  attend  to 

his    Litany, 
And    leave    me    my   fame,    if    perchance 

I    shall    get   any. 

I   deemed   it   best,    to   set   at   rest, 
This    question    before    it   was    started,    lest 
Some   terrible    girl   from  the  far   countree, 
Without   proper   regard   to    veracitetf, 
Should     haste     to     town,     to     drag     me 

down 


io  Nothing  to  Say. 

From  my  envied  post  of  poetic  re 
nown. 

Miss  p***,  I've  a  favor  to  ask. — If 
'tis  true, 

That  "Nothing  to  Wear,"  and  "No 
thing  to  Do," 

And  "  Nothing  to  Eat,"  were  all  written 
by  you,— 

Let  those  three  Nothings  content  you 
I  pray, 

Say  nothing  yourself;  leave  me  "  No 
thing  to  Say." 


Nothing  to  Say.  n 

From  time   immemorial,  people  of  fashion 
Have    been    the    target    of   poets    and 

penny   wits, 
And     been     lampooned    without    stint    or 

compassion, 
From   Dan  to  Beersheba — from   Dublin 

to   Dennevitz ; 
And     our     now-a-day     rhymsters,     taking 

the    cue, 
Have   aimed   all  their   shots   at   the   Fifth 

Avenue, 
Till   the    clever   author    of    "  Nothing    to 

Wear," 
Fired   his   broadside    at    Madison    Square. 


12  Nothing  to  Say. 

Now   /  don't  consider  this   sort  of  thing 

personal, 

I'm   not   a   bit   of  a   dandy   or   fop ; 
But   the    seed   it   is   constantly   sowing,    is 

worse    than   all 
Others,     and     bears     a     most     plentiful 

crop; 
For  it  all  goes  to  strengthen  the  popular 

fallacy 
That,  because  a  man  lives   in   a   "  brown 

stone   palace "   he 

Must  be  a   miser,  a  rogue    and  a  knave, 
Without   soul   enough  to  condemn  or  to 

save — 


Nothing  to  Say.  15 

That    a    broadcloth    coat    argues    sin,    if 

not   felony ; 
If  a   man   has   the    tact   in   the   world   to 

get   well   on,   he 
Cannot    be     else    than    a    thorough-paced 

scamp ; 
That     the     "  villanous     rich "     wear    a 

cloak    and    a    mask,    all, 
And  the  greater  the  riches,   the   greater 

the    rascal. 

That   the   cardinal   virtues   only   endure, 
In  the  atmosphere  with  the  "  virtuous  poor ; " 
That   nowhere    are  found   the    true    Chris 
tian   graces, 


1 6  Nothing  to  Say. 

Save  closely  allied   to   the    dirtiest  faces. 
I     shall     not     contradict     this      delightful 

tradition, 
But   beg — No,  I   won't,    I    will   take    it — 

permission, 
To  state,  that   I   think  there's  a  word  to 

be    said, 
From    a    different    text,    on    the    opposite 

head. 
And     so     I'll     invent,     as     well     as     I'm 

able, 

A   new   home-made,   allegorical   fable ; 
And    my    honest    purpose     shall     be,     to 

see 


Nothing  to  Say.  17 

If  the    scoundrel    rich   have    not   borne 

a   part 

In   those   noble   charities,    which   are 
The     pride     of     this    jolly     old     city's 

heart. 

And  if  I  shall  find  that  the  virtuous  mob 
Have  ever  been  known  one  farthing  to 


Without    hoping   a    hundred-fold    profit 

to   make  : 
Where     the     "  rich    man,"    the     "  miser," 

"  aristocrat,"   "  snob," 
Has  poured  out   his  thousands   for  Chari 

ty's   sake, 


1 8  Nothing  to  Say. 

I'll  lay  down  my  pen,  and  have  "Nothing 
to  Say." 


I    shall   not   describe    the  SPIRIT  OF  CANT, 
Of  popular   humbug,    and    vulgar    rant, 
And   tell   how   he    looks    in    a   tangible 

form, 
And   give    the    length    of   his   horns   and 

claws, 
The    spread   of  his   wings,    the    width    of 

his  jaws, 
And    detail    the    other    proportions    grim, 


Nothing  to  Say.  19 

Which  belong  to  a  powerful  demon  like 
him. 

Go   and   look   at   the    melodramatic  stage, 

When  a  "  spectacle  "  piece  is  all  the  rage ; 
And  there,  in  the  midst  of  some  "  pro 
perty  "  storm, 

While  the  sheet-iron  thunder  is  rattling 
its  best, 

And   the   rosin   lightning,  and  all  the  rest 

Of  the  elements  are,  for  some  tragedy 
reason, 

Making  the  "  awfullest  gale  of  the 
season — " 

See,   at   the    sound  of  the  prompter's  tap, 


20  Nothing  to  Say. 

The    fiend   come   up  through  the    "  Vam- 

pyre    trap ; " 
Take    a     mental    photograph     then,    and 

there, 

Of  that  imp,  with  his  "  fixins  "  all  com 
plete— 
The   elfish   grin,   the  tangled   hair, 

The  dragon  wings  and  the  scaly  feet — 
And    you'll    have     a    notion     of    him     I 

mean, 

The    demon   of  this,   my  opening  scene. 
I    might   go  to  Milton,  and  steal,  bit   by 

bit, 
A  description  to  suit  my  Spirit  of  Cant, 


Nothing  to  Say.  21 

A    second-hand     suit,    but    a    "  shplendid 

fit," 

As   a   Jew  would  assure    me — but  then 
I  sha'nt. 

His    work     is    to     preach     the     humbug 
which   passes 

For    gospel    among     the     "  down-trodden 
masses ;  " 

And    to    prate    of    the     "  wrongs    and    in 
dignities,"    which 

Are  heaped  on  their  heads  by  the   "cold- 
hearted   rich." 


22  Nothing  to  Say. 

This    Spirit   was   busy   at   work   one    day, 

Amongst   a   crowd   of  Bowery   boys, 
When    CHARITY    happened    to  come   that 

way; 
And  she   stopped  to  listen — though,  sooth 

to   say, 
She  seldom  is  fond  of  clamor  and  noise. 


'*  Now,    pray,    Mr.    Author,    wait   just    a 
minute, 
Stop ! 
Drop 


Taeo  8T> 


Nothing  to   Say.  25 

Your   subject,    and   don't   again   begin   it 
Till   you   tell   us  :    What    did    Charity 

wear? 

Was  her  dress  of  moire  antique,  or  satin; 
Or    was    it   plain    muslin — -just    like    that 

in 

Which   love-lorn   maidens   on   the    stage 
Go  raving  crazy  ? — and  had  she  a  page  ? 
Did   she   wear   hoops?    and  what  sort  of 

a   bonnet? 
And     tell    us,    what     kind     of    trimming 

was   on   it? 
What—       Stop,  stop,  dear  ladies,  it  isn't 

fair 


2 6  Nothing  to  Say. 

To  question  thus  closely  a  modest  young 

man. 
If  I   could  tell   the   items,    I   would,    I 

declare ; 
For    I    always     oblige     you    whenever    I 

can. 
I     know     that     of    dresses     she     has     a 

variety, 
Though   vanity's    not    her    predominant 

passion, 
She    was    costumed,    no   doubt,    with    the 

greatest   propriety, 

In   the    very   extreme    of   the    reigning 
fashion. 


Nothing  to  Say.  27 

Well !    she    stopped    to    listen,   a    minute 

or  more, 

To  the  fellow's  mischievous  harangue,  before 
She     resolved     what     to     do ;     then     she 

stepped   to   the    door 
Of  an   Astor   Place   car,   and  beckoned 

to   him, 
And    he     followed     at     once,     while     his 

audience   scattered ; 

To  tell  the  truth,  he  felt  quite  flattered, 
And    he    smiled    a    smile    most    heavy 

and   grim, 
For   he    thought   he'd   awakened  a   tender 

passion 


28  Nothing  to  Say. 

In     the     heart    of    a    belle,     a    lady    of 

fashion. 
And   they   sat   side    by   side,    this   curious 

pair, 
While   they   rode    up   to   Eighth   street — 

and   she   paid   the   fare. 


They    stepped    from    the    car,    and    stood 

before, 
The     "  COOPER     INSTITUTE'S"    new-painted 

door — 


Nothing  to  Say.  29 

"  Who    hath    done    this  ?"    asked   Charity 
then; 

"  Who     hath    done    this    for    his    fellow- 
men? 

Hath     builded      this      house,     that     all 
may   come — 

The    poor    most    welcome — to    Learning's 
treasure, 

And     drink    their     fill    without     stint     or 
measure  *? 

Who   hath   so   nobly   used   his   thrift, 

And    bestowed    on    the    world    this    price 
less    gift, 
Free   to   all,   whoever   may   come  ? 


30  Nothing  to  Say. 

Was    this    noble    work    built    up    by   the 

"  masses," 

Or   by   one    of  the    "  miserly,    upper   clas 
ses  ?" 


To    the     Spirit,    this     speech    was     quite 

unexpected, 
And    he     stood    in    a    sort    of    stupid 

dismay ; 
And    before    his    few    scattered     thoughts 

were  collected, 

She    rightly    concluded — he'd     Nothing 
to   Say. 


Nothing  to  Say.  31 

Then   she    lifted    her    skirts   with    a   mas 
terly   hand, 
And    out    of    the    puddles     and     ruts 

kept   them   well   up,— 
Thus    showed     that    she     had    the     most 

perfect   command 

Of  the    crinoline    mysteries   of  her   en 
velope. 
'Twas   done    with    the    daintiest   grace    all 

the    while, 
And   discovered    the    daintiest    possible 

gaiter,— 

Then    she    turned    to   her   friend   with    a 
nod    and    a    smile* 


32  Nothing  to  Say. 

And   told   him    to   follow — he    straight 
way   obeyed   her. 
As    they    hurried    along,    she    kept    ever 

before   htm, 
And   he   kept   his   eye    on    the    tempting 

prunella, 
Secretly    hoping     there'd     come     such     a 

shower 
As  would  make    a   new  Flood   in  half- 

• 

an-hour — 
That     she,    with     a     womanly    care     for 

her   bonnet, 

Which   would    "  spot,"   with    the    least 
drop   of  water  upon  it, 


Nothing  to  Say.  35 

Might    become    condescending,    and   hum 
bly   implore   him 

To   come   along-side  with   his   cotton  um 
brella. 

But   the    shower    didn't    come,    and   with 
out  a   disaster, 

They  reached  the   huge    Library — chris 
tened   of  ASTOR. 

Then    she     shook     down     her     skirts     to 

their   natural   latitude — 
Ahem'd    once    or    twice — struck    out   a 
nice   attitude — 

And  .then   she   struck  into  this   little  ora 
tion, 


36  Nothing  to  Say. 


Though   I'm  sure  /  don't  know  where 
she    learned   declamation. 


"  Spirit,    behold !   these    bending   shelves 
Are    groaning  'neath   the   gathered  store 
Of  every   nation's    varied    lore. 

Most  welcome  are  the  poor  themselves 
To   freely   turn   these    countless   pages, 
And   gather   from   the    words   of  sages 
All   the    light   of  former   ages. 
Whoever   wills    is   here   a   guest, 
The  poorest   are    the    welcomest 


Nothing  to   Say. 


37 


Who     hath     done     this  ?     your     virtuous 

mob, 
Or   a   "  cold-hearted   miser,"  a  "  pampered 

snob  «" 


Here   her    Companion    began    to   perceive 
That   her  feminine   tongue  would   have 

its   own   way ; 
That    the    cleverest    thing    Tie    could    do 

was   to   leave 

The   talking  to  her,   and  have   Nothing 
to    Say. 


38  Nothing  to  Say. 

The    lady   had    now   been    chattering    so 

long, 
She    felt   that   her  voice  was   beginning 

to  fail  her ; 
A   punch   would,    she    felt,    be    a   blessing 

and   boon, 
The    "  dientical "    thing    with    which    to 

regale   her, 
So    they   pushed    their   way   through    the 

gathering   throng, 
And   hurried   away   to    Taylor's   Saloon. 


Nothing  to  Say.  39 

They  seated  themselves  at  the  table  to 
gether, — • 

The  customers  "  staring  their  eyes  out," 
to  see 

Who  this  queer-looking  couple  could 
possibly  be, — 

Asking   each   other    in   whispers,    whether, 

It    wasn't   the    likeliest    thing   that   she, 

Was  a  Western  Actress,  and  he  an 
Editor ; 

And  some  were  terribly  frightened,  be 
cause 

They  couldn't  help  thinking  there  cer 
tainly  was, 


4-O          Nothing  to  Say. 

The    Old    Nick    to    pay,    and    that    he 
was   their   creditor 


But   the    strangers   composedly   sat,    never 

• 

heeding 

These     stupid     remarks,    or    taking    of 
fence, 

And   they    quietly   kept    on    their    drink 
ing   and   feeding, 

Without  the  slightest  regard  to  expense. 
If  an   appetite    sharp    is    a    thing    so    de 
lightful, 


Nothing  to  Say.  4.1 

Charity  had  no  occasion  to  sigh  at  hers ; 
Boarding-house  keepers  would  say  it  was 
frightful, 

And  ruinous  too,  to  the  hotel  pro 
prietors. 


They    were     sated    at    last,     and     turned 

from   the    door ; 
He,  wondering  whither  she  now  would 

go- 

And  well   he    might — in   an   instant   more 
He     was     over     shoes     in     the     frozen 
snow; 


4-2  Nothing  to  Say. 

While   she    coolly  remarked,   with    a    Ca- 

mille   cough, 
That    the    North    Pole    was    only   a    half 

a  mile   off. 


How    it    was    they   got    to    their    present 

location, 
I'm    sure     I    don't    know,     and    it's    not 

my   vocation 
To    give     the    details    of    their    quick 

locomotion. 
Electricity   may   have   done    it,    or   steam; 


Nothing  to  Say.  45 

But   motive    powers   are   not   my   theme. 
My  heroes  were  there,  near  the  frozen 
ocean. 


The     man     had     too     much     of     "  cold 

without," 
And    the    lady    sighed    for    her    tippet 

and    muff; 

For   though   they   had    come    by    a    sum 
mary   route, 

The    weather,    they   found,    was    wintry 
enough. 


46  Nothing  to  Say. 

When      they      climbed      an      iceberg's 

loftiest    height, 
To   the    imminent    danger    of  dresses  and 

hoops, 
Of    ribbons     and     pins,     and     laces     and 

loops, 

The     GRINNELL     EXPEDITION     was     in 
sight. 


Now    the     lady    had    been    prepared     to 
preach, 


Nothing  to  Say.  4.7 

Or     rather,     to     make     a     nice     serious 

speech ; 
But   it  might  as   well   have    been   written 

in   Dutch    for   her, 

For    the     wind     and     the     weather,     con 
spiring    together, 
Turned   out   to    be,    altogether   too    much 

for   her ; 
One    half    she    forgot,    and    she    bungled 

the    rest   of  it, 
Though   I    finally   managed    to    pick    out 

the   best   of  it. 
She    asked    her     companion,     who     stood 

in    the    lee    of  her, 


48  Nothing  to  Say. 

For    the    wind    spread    her    skirts    to    the 

bigness    of  three    of  her, 
"  Who    sent    these    ships    to    the    rescue 

of  those, 
Who   have    perilled    their    lives    in    these 

Northern   snows  ? 
Did     he     spring     from     the      mob,     the 

benevolent    *  masses,' 
Or  from  the  detestable    '  upper  classes  ? ' 
With  a  great  deal  more  to  the  same  effect, 
Which    I    couldn't    exactly    make    out 

the    sense    of, 
For   I   know   that    her    sentences    "  failed 

to   connect ; " 


Nothing  to  Say.  4.9 

And     I     suppose     that     her     chattering 

teeth   bit   the    ends    off; 
But   'twas   very   conclusive,    whatever    she 

said. 
He    never    disputed    her;     never    said 

nay, 
But    only    hung     down     his     discomfited 

head; 

And     whatever    he     thought,     he     had 
Nothing   to   Say. 


50  Nothing  to  Say. 

Chilled    to    the    heart    with    the    terrible 

cold, 
Both     to     get    back    were    most    truly 

solicitous, 
Never   before    was   the    saying   old, 

"  As    cold    as    charity,"    half    so    feli 
citous. 


They   hastened   back   to   Broadway,   when 

she    said, 

That  one  more  journey  that  night  she'd 
lead   him, 


Nothing  to  Say.  51 

Before    she'd   let   him   go   home    to   bed. 

And    he,    not   caring   to    quibble    or  ques 
tion, 

At    once     fell    in    with    the     lady's     sug 
gestion, 

Not    thinking    she'd    "  one    more  "   lec 
ture   to   read  him. 


This   time  they  took   a   course    rectilinear 
Southward,    and   landed    in    Norfolk,    Vir 
ginia. 


52  Nothing  to  Say. 

Pestilence    there    was    doing    its    worst, 
Hundreds    were    dying,    and     hundreds 
were    dead. 

Many    who    should     have     been     bravest, 

the    first 

Had    deserted    their    trust,    and    shame 
lessly    fled. 

But    men    from   the    Northern   cities  were 
there, 

Nursing      the     sick     with     the     tenderest 
care, 

Whose  kindred  had  fled  to  less  dangerous 
lands, 

Leaving    the    dying    to    strangers'    hands. 


Tago  52 


Nothing  to  Say.  55 

While    the    two    stood    quiet    beside    the 

bed 
Of  a    patient    sufferer,    Charity    said: 


"  Who    hath    sent   these    strangers   here, 
These   dying  men    to    soothe    and   cheer  ? 
To    do    what    mortal    skill  may    do 
To    lighten    their    burdens    of    grief    and 

woe ; 
To    shrive    these    dying   souls,  of  blame, 

To    bid    them   hope    in   Heaven  above. 
Who   hath   sent   these    in   my   dear  name 


56  Nothing  to  Say. 

To    do    this  holiest   work    of  love  ? 
Hath  the   treasure   here    given    been    paid 

by   those 
Whose   *  wrongs '  are  so  earnestly  plead 

by    you  ? 
Or    hath   it    been  done  by  their    *  natural 

foes,' 
The     wealthy,     the     rich,     the     opulent 

few 
Of     Madison     Square     and     the     Fifth 

Avenue  ?  " 


Nothing  to  Say.  57 

During   this    lengthy    interrogation 

The  Spirit  had  been  pretending  to  doze, 

But     he     waked     himself     up      at     the 

* 
peroration, 

And     most     ungallantly    turned     up    his 

nose, 
And    turned    on    his  '  heel,     and     turned 

him   away, — 
Sulkily   saying,   he'd   Nothing   to   Say. 


Dear  Readers,    I'll    ask    one    question   of 
you — 


5  8  Nothing  to  Say. 

Don't   you   think   it   may  possibly  chance 
to   be    true, 

That    Charity,    really,   not    merely   in    fa 
bles, 

May  apparel   herself  in  satins  and   sables, 

And   costliest   ribbons,  and   fragilest   laces, 
Like    the    daintiest    beauties   of   Madi 
son   Square, 

And  may  take  up   a   home  in  the  loftiest 

places, 

With     those     who've,     satirically,    No 
thing   to   Wear? 


Nothing  to  Say.  59 

And   in   that   blissful    realm    above, 

Where  the  poor  and  the  rich  meet  in 
meekness  and  love : 

Where  the  works  of  each  heart  are  un 
veiled  to  the  light, 

And  Humbug  and  Cant  yield  to  Truth 
and  to  Right — 

Where  the  trickster  lays  off  his  mask 
of  deceit, 

And  the  'cloak  of  the  hypocrite  drops 
to  his  feet, 

And  Honor  is  given,  where  Honor  is  due — 

We  may  see  that  some  from  the  Fifth 
Avenue, 


60  Nothing  to  Say. 

Most    nobly    will     speak     in     that     great 

reckoning  day, 

While      their      earthly      detractors      have 
Jo 


-  J 


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